Blue, blue caravan, winding down to the valley of lights
My true love is a man who would hold me for ten thousand nights
In the wild, wild wailing of wind, he’s a house ‘neath a soft yellow moon
So blue, blue caravan, won’t you carry me down to him soon.
Blue, blue caravan, won’t you drive away all of these tears
For my true love is a man that I haven’t seen in years
He said “Go where you have to, for I belong to you until my dying day”
So like a fool, blue caravan, I believed him and I walked away.
Oh my blue, blue caravan, the highway is my great wall
For my true love is a man who never existed at all
Oh he was a beautiful fiction I invented to keep out the cold
But now, my blue, blue caravan, I can feel my heart growing old.
Despite the growing risk of sinking further into the muck, I’ve been considerate. Every day has been a struggle for me. Each night I am left to contemplate getting up the next day. The early sunlight that mockingly dances across my back only reminds me of how much I have neglected. I could keep trying. Sure, there are still a few things in my life that give me the strength to push against the current. However, it’s getting harder to catch myself after slipping on something I planted long ago, and Lord knows that I am too proud and experienced to allow anyone to assist me.
The immense love I feel will remain, but you know as well as I do that it is near impossible for me to exhibit true emotion. I spoke of these internal struggles with a friend of mine yesterday. I made it clear that I wanted to distance myself from loved ones so I would not later unintentionally hurt them with my aloof manner. He said that we were in the same boat. “I don’t want that for you, Carly.”
Very little has been resolved. My future, once so brilliant and clear, now appears murky and impractical. A few days ago I put on fake nails, joking to friends: “Well, it was one of the things I wanted to do before I die… and seeing as how I feel I am not long for this earth…” The hardest thing to swallow is that I was being totally sincere. No, I will not voluntarily put my life to an end. I will take care of myself without anyone’s help, just as I always have. The only thing I must admit to is feeling more comfortable in this frozen corner of my life than I ever had anywhere else.
